


Day 25: I'll Be Home For Christmas

by Hapkido9061



Series: 25 Cliché Days of Christmas [25]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Christmas, HunHan - Freeform, M/M, Non AU, Post-Break Up, Romantic Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 14:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17163578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hapkido9061/pseuds/Hapkido9061
Summary: “It’s only going to hurt more if you hold on like this. You broke it off when he had to announce has a girlfriend, don’t make it harder on yourself. You’re going to loathe the time you spent together if you only think of him with sadness.”“Did I ever say that I loathed him?”“I mean, your memories will be more sad if you spend all your time crying over him now. Trust me, I had the same thing in high school.”“Yeah and that was ten years ago you oldie.”Or...Where Sehun is familiar with the feeling of 'Christmas blues'. Nothing he does seems to help, not when Luhan fills ever thought awake or asleep.





	Day 25: I'll Be Home For Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This is the angsty-est one. Merry Christmas y'all

Sehun could forget his past most of the time. Just the same way that you forget the breeze on a summer day or the pebble in your shoe when it’s not underfoot. And then there were days when he couldn’t. Holidays were the worst, and Christmas the bane of his existence. The depression was just like the songs said it should be.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the screen playing in the dorm’s living room. The one person holding his heart in his hands was the main event of China’s largest end of the year award show. Luhan seemed so happy performing on the stage. Free of doubt, free of any worry that he would be carrying.

Junmyeon was the first to come back to the dorm after going out with families. He noticed the maknae huddled up under blankets on the couch and turned to see what he was watching. The leader sighed and flicked it off. Sehun didn’t tear his eyes away from the now black screen.

“Didn’t you say you were trying to write some lyrics?”

Sehun shuffled on the couch. That was the excuse he had used when he said how he was going to stay at the dorm during their two day break and not leave. He woke up that morning and found the dorm empty. Sehun wasn’t sure if he even belonged in the silence. It wasn’t totally a lie- the producers did ask him to try writing some songs for the new album so he could have his name on a few songs. The only problem was they wanted them cheerful and pleasant.

Sehun was trying his best, but Luhan had been gone for so long.

“You know this isn’t what you should be doing.”

Sehun didn’t respond. He pulled his legs up further until they bumped his chin. Jongdae, Baekhyun, and Minseok poured in from the door next with Chanyeol bringing up the rear. All three were more than a little tipsy; they sobered up at seeing the scene in the living room.

“It’s only going to hurt more if you hold on like this. You broke it off when he had to announce has a girlfriend, don’t make it harder on yourself. You’re going to loathe the time you spent together if you only think of him with sadness.”

“Did I ever say that I loathed him?” Sehun asked. Junmyeon sighed and shook his head.

“I mean, your memories will be more sad if you spend all your time crying over him now. Trust me, I had the same thing in high school.”

“Yeah and that was ten years ago you oldie.” Junmyeon smacked him lightly on the head. Sehun’s face was at least void of that same longing look he had before when watching Luhan.

“Yah! I’m still your hyung.”

“Whatever.”

“Brat.”

Sehun pushed himself up from the couch and stretched his arms above his head. He pushed past Junmyeon with a purposeful shove to the shoulder and retreated to his room. A small smile was on his face, and he saw an exasperated one on Junmyeon’s. After shutting the door, Sehun let out the breath he had been holding while talking to Junmyeon.

The leader did help get his mind off of his ex-lover, but only for a short while. Now in the silence of his own room, the laughter of the four other members muffled by the wall, Sehun could brood. He never was one for self pity, but he felt he deserved it. It was Christmas Eve and the first year Luhan wouldn’t come to see him or he to Luhan. Sehun wanted Luhan here with him tonight. But that wasn’t going to happen.

Sehun’s dark mood wasn’t anything unusual, nothing strange. His emotions felt close to nothing at all as the good times and the bad times fought for room in his mind. This was a familiar scenario. Sehun stood in the rain his brain made and held his arms out waiting for something to happen.

It wasn’t an explosion of memories or thoughts, but a tide washing over him in a warm bittersweet wave. He stuffed his face down into his pillow and felt the first frustrated tears spring to his eyes. Sehun hated crying. Getting lost in his mind, Sehun missed the way his door was ajar and closed with a soft click. As much as he told the others he was fine and didn’t think of Luhan after that break up, Sehun was lying. He didn’t know if any of the others believed his lies or not.

Sehun never could take his mind off Luhan.

. . .

_Sehun remembers it well. The first time he saw the older Chinese boy, his head was peeking around the door into the dorm he would be living in with other trainees. Sehun had just come out of his room, not expecting to see anyone else back home at the dorm. And yet, there was the most beautiful man he’s ever seen sneaking out of the shower and into an empty room. There was water still in Luhan’s hair dripping down his shoulders and Sehun paused where he stood._

_He remembers it because when he saw Luhan’s head, his stopped working and all thought left his mind. Turns out, he wasn’t as straight as he thought he was. Because Sehun was sure time wasn’t supposed to stop moving unless you loved someone._

. . .

Sehun shifted in bed. Falling asleep brought nothing but dreams of the old times where reality was so lonely in comparison. And he still hoped that he never woke up.

He was too caught up in his own dreaming to notice the other person in the room. Minseok snuck back in and ran his hand through the maknae’s hair. Sehun’s face evened out at the motion. Minseok clicked his tongue and pocketed the phone in his hand.

. . .

_Sehun remembers the first major performance Luhan had as a solo performer. He called a taxi straight from the airport to drive him over to the arena. Luhan had even gave him a special backstage pass that would keep him in a private room where no fans could possibly catch a glimpse. Their ships would certainly be sailing if they saw the two together in China._

_But maybe that was the first time Sehun felt Luhan drifting. As much as they promised each other before Luhan left that they would stay together, it just seemed doomed from the start. It felt more like standing in line to meet a favorite idol than his own boyfriend. But Sehun could keep his mind off of that just dreaming about Luhan’s mouth on his own._

_In the end, Sehun couldn’t even meet Luhan that night at the stadium. After an almost run-in with a sasaeng in his private room, the manager that came with ushered him off to his hotel room. Luhan texted saying that they could meet in Sehun’s room and the younger agreed in an instant._

_The window was open and the winter air filled the room. Sehun stared out across the Beijing skyline. It was Christmas time- Luhan always said it finally became the holiday season when the advertisements turned to the holiday to sell products. As the snow nipped at Sehun’s face, the door to his room opened._

_“Hey.” He turned to face Luhan. “I didn’t think you’d make it.”_

_Luhan grinned and crossed the carpeted floor to face Sehun. The elder went straight in for a kiss that Sehun deepened. He missed this and could only assume that Luhan did as well._

_Sehun and Luhan may have only kissed when they were alone. Nobody watching them and nobody judging. They could take it to the dorms, the other members all supported them and if they didn’t comment on the two. And Sehun wouldn’t comment on other members together. When nobody else was in the dorm, they even made out on the couch without telling Junmyeon that his precious furniture was defiled._

_It wasn’t that he was scared of being caught, but their relationship had always been delicate._

_They were never liars, but they were never fools either. This relationship couldn’t last the way they wanted it to. Sehun prayed that they wouldn’t break, but didn’t regret breaking the rules the managers put in place. That didn’t seem to help. They still fell in love._

. . .

Sehun groaned in his sleep as he turned over. The warmth from his dream was seeping out as it left with the good side of the memories. A soft hand rubbed up and down his arm as his face now pressed into someone’s side. the maknae blinked awake. He believed himself to still be dreaming when he saw how close Luhan was sitting to him on his bed. Sehun shut his eyes and nuzzled in closer. His dream had turned good again.

“That tired that you don’t want to see me?”

Sehun’s eyes shot back open. He pushed himself up on his forearms. Luhan never spoke in his dreams.

“Why are you here?”

“Can’t I see you for Christmas?”

“Not with how you broke it off,” Sehun snapped. He spared a glance to the clock and saw how early it was in the morning. Luhan must have come straight here from his performance. The elder sighed and pulled his arms back into himself.

“Minnie called. A Chirstmas present for you, he said.” The younger clicked his tongue at the slight betrayal he felt. It wasn’t joy or gratitude- that’s what he told himself. Yes, he missed Luhan, but in the eyes of the media, he had a girlfriend now. And it was Luhan who told him that it was better to stay apart anyways. Being here just undid all of the progress that Sehun had made with his heart.

Luhan ran his bare feet over the carpet in Sehun’s room. It still had just as many stains from soda and spilled snacks as when he left. “You know when you've found the one thing that makes you happy? And how you don’t think it’s all that important or maybe you don’t even realize that your life hangs on it? There's something I've learned. That you really only feel it when they take it away from you. When the one person you love is left behind in the past where you want to be.”

At the sight of Luhan getting choked up, Sehun wrapped his arms around him. It was more instinct than anything. “Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?”

“Not you. But I did.” Luhan laughed through his tears, pulling closer to the warm body holding him. Sehun’s heart didn’t even speed up form how familiar this felt. It wasn’t exciting or new, but it was right. “You’ve changed, Hunnie.”

“Nothing’s changed,” he said while shaking his head. Sehun rested his chin on the top of Luhan’s head. “I’m just a little older, that’s all. I still make you cry,” he joked. He hoped Luhan got the reference to their first anniversary and when Sehun made Luhan laugh so much tears streamed down his face and ruined the stage makeup the noonas had coated his face in.

He did. Luhan smiled softly and pecked Sehun’s cheek.

“Minseok also told me how hard it’s been for you.”

“Well, what about you? I’ve got the hyungs with me. I know you still talk to Tao and Kris, sometimes Lay-hyung and Xiumin-hyung. But not that much.”

Luhan shook his head again and pulled away. His hand came to wipe away the tears on Sehun’s cheeks that he didn’t know he’d been crying.

“I’m fine.”

They sat together in the darkness until the first light of morning shone through the blinds. It was finally Christmas, and Sehun got his wish even if it was only half fulfilled. A soft knock came at the door- the voice telling them they had twenty more minutes before Luhan had to fly out obviously Kyungsoo’s. Everyone must have known about Luhan arriving, but Sehun couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed about needing the elder.

“I know… that sometimes I make you cry,” Luhan began. “And sometimes, the world just bears down on you, us. Like you wanna die and forget that the public was ever watching. But that’s what I feel like now. I don’t feel alive without you.”

“Luhan?”

“I’m still in love with you. Can we please go back to what we once were? At least to try?”

Sehun’s eyes were shut. But all Sehun could see was Luhan. His future with him, the past they’ve shared. And call him greedy, but Sehun wanted all of it or at least all that he could take.

“I love you, too, Han. We can try. We can try…”


End file.
